I don't even know what to think right now.  Whether to hate myself, hate him, hate the world...

The days after my last post went up were peaceful.  Rae still hasn't said a word to me that wasn't crazy-talk since I rescued her, but she's able to take care of herself.  She eats without my prompting, which is a relieving improvement.  Means I can actually leave her alone now and get some air.  We'd been in the same place for a couple weeks.  I was walking around the town, and...

I must've been preoccupied.  Thinking about what I posted last time.  But before I knew it, I'd wandered into a pretty dingy part of town.  And what's more: no one was around.  That was enough warning for me, I started to leave right away.  But before I could, I heard a sound.  Almost like static.  And then the sound of rubber soles hitting the pavement.

A kid about my age skirted the corner, running helter pelter like friggin' Rob Lucci was on his tail or something.  Didn't even give me a moment's notice but dove into an alleyway.  If you needed any more hints about what he was running from, because apparently you're really bad at seeing patterns, I caught the sight of a crossed out "X" on his arm.

I started forward, not really sure what I was going to do, but...He needed help, if he was running that desperately.  I got towards the mouth of the alley when I saw he had stopped short, staring into the darkness.  And I heard a voice.

I suppose most of you aware of the proxy hierarchy reviving an old position?  I didn't believe it when I first saw it, talk about your unreliable narrators.  But, more reliable sources were soon to verify it. Redlight is back.  For some degree of "back."  It's a new man, whatever they say, someone who's taken his title and signature love of camo pants.

The voice was all too familiar.  "Ah, a dead end, it seems...And who's your friend, Daniel? It would be awfully impolite of someone to... intrude on such a thing without introducing them first..."  Looming out of the darkness, I saw a face I never expected to see again.

That same man who fought to help us against his former master...Was back in the role of the puppet.  I was angry.  Maybe it rung too deep so soon after Elaine's death, but I was mad at him for having lost his mind again.  "Get out here, traitor," I snarled.

"Oh please, Reynolds."  He stepped out into the open, almost giving Danny-boy a heart attack.   "You've walked in on the middle of buisiness. I suppose if it pleases you, nobody can get hurt in this little confrontation..." He seemed to think for a minute, before straightening, snapping his fingers as if he'd come up with an idea. "You stay and listen, and I won't have this end with you standing in a river of Daniel's blood. What do you say?"

What DO you say to an offer like that?  I've survived bigger windbags prattling on than this douche, so if it saves a life, easy bargain.  "Okay, sure.  I always have time for a laugh.  I'll hear what you have to say."

Then he was gone for a second.  Bastard used the Path or something to get in between me and the other guy.

"Daniel, you want this to end nicely, correct?  You're wasting both my and Mr. Reynolds' time now. Whatever you've been promised, it's not worth it."

Daniel was shaking like crazy, eyes darting to the sides, before he gave up and stammered a "Fuck it!" out, and threw something at Spencer.  Then he was gone.  Good set of legs on him.  The man in red caught the object easily- it was a floppy drive.  Without looking at me, he murmured something.  "... it's good to see you again, kid."

Uh-huh.  A nice try, but my heartstrings have gotten rather hard to pluck as of late.  "...Don't try to bait me.  I'm sympathetic, not stupid.  What that thing there supposed to be?"

"You always were a clever one." He gave a grin and held it out so I could see it. "So much trouble for such a little thing seems foolish to go through, hm...?"

"Really, the things you'll do to get your porn."

Spencer chuckled.  "I don't pretend to understand the whims of those I work with, Mr. Reynolds. They also said you were a lost cause, but I disagreed, and so here I am.  Have any idea why?"

I folded my arms.  "Enlighten me."

He began to pace for a few seconds, before speaking in a slow, measured, almost comforting tone.  "You're not someone that I want working against the cause, Mr. Reynolds. And you're definitely not someone I want as my enemy."

I paused and thought.  The dots connected almost instantly.  The nerve of this guy.  "You want me to sign up."

A slight quirk of a smile from him. "Look at you, using your reasoning!  An incredible feat, really. Impressive."

If nothing else, that smug grin, on the face of a friend, trying to drag me down with him, set me off.  Shaking with anger, I could barely spit the words out.  "Even after everything you've done to me...After you took my parents, my friends, my LIFE..."  I stepped towards him, ready to tear that fucking smile off his face with my bare hands.

"You think I'd give that fucking despicable line of thought even a moment's consideration?"

"Of course you wouldn't."  The grin widened, ever so slightly.  "That's why I supposed that I would attempt to at least show you the other side of things.  You're a warrior, Mr. Reynolds.  You have a mind at your disposal.  And yet by this point it would seem most of my colleagues think that it's rotted due to disuse!"

Oh, coming from those guys, that was rich.  "Your 'colleagues' aren't exactly ones to brag when it comes to mental prowess.  You're all fucking nuts, in case you hadn't noticed."

"That's a rather big assumption to make."  He paused for a second, gathering his thoughts, or so it looked.  "Mr. Reynolds -Konaa, if you prefer- what is it exactly that you want?"

Easy question.  "Oh, not much.  Peace of mind, your boss to fuck off and leave us all alone, you all thrown in a cell, some fries would be nice.."

"'Us'... yes.  Do you like to save people?  Or does your desire for revenge continually overshadow your desire to keep people safe?  You didn't have to assist the young man from earlier, and yet you did.  He had no relation to you.  In fact, you couldn't even be sure he was of 'your side'.  And yet you jumped to his assistance..."

He had a good point there, which I was sort of grumpy about.  "...If you have a point, get to it.  I don't particularly care for your opinions on the subject."

Spencer gave a sigh.  "Konaa, you're fighting a useless battle from your current position. You can only save so many.  You can only fight so much.  Even now, you're relying on nobody sending the best of their men to wipe you out; never mind the incredible turn of luck that He hasn't turned up to just rip you apart yet."  He leaned back against the wall, hands sliding into the pockets of his jacket. "And though I wouldn't quite call your efforts pointless, they're certainly finite in nature."

Bastard probably thought he was giving me earth-shattering revelations there.  You really think I hadn't given all that consideration when I decided to really start fighting back?  This wasn't some temper tantrum rebellion I'm planning here.  I knew I was declaring war on a monster with powers beyond our comprehension from the get-go.  And I've always known that I might meet my end because of it.

"...Even if that's the case, so what?  Just because something might be impossible doesn't make trying it mean any less.  I'll fight until there's no breath left in my body.  There's no way there can't be a happy ending at least for some of us.  And if not..."  I smirked.  "I'll kick God's ass myself when I'm in the hereafter."

Redlight tilted his head to the side.  "There's always another way, you know.  How many more are you going to protect, only to have them fall days, weeks, at best months later? And even then, how many have you infected with His image as you moved through their communities?  I find it interesting that most seem to think that the two sides of this so called 'conflict' are all that different. We all want the same thing, correct?  Safety. Security.  And yet, you... that's not your main goal, is it?  Mr. Reynolds, it seems to me that most have you pegged all wrong. When most simply want to live, you want to fight."  Here he leaned forward, slightly, eyes gleaming amber.  "You want power, Konaa.  The power to save people.  The power to protect people.  And I'm someone that can give that to you."

Okay forget what I said earlier, HERE was some serious nerve.  He was honestly offering me a Deal with the Devil.  Granted, what he'd said about the proxies and runners being alike rung a bit more true than I'd've liked.  I've thought so myself, at times, that we do actually have a lot in common, goals and situation.  But...

I thought about it for a minute before replying.  "...I was never one for taking shortcuts.  That leads...to unfortunate circumstances.  I know just what happens to people like you.  You forget, I watched it happen time and time again.  I'm not an idiot.  But you guys are the biggest fucking morons I've ever seen."  I laughed.  Not a ha-ha laugh, really.  Was more bitter than I'd intended.  "You think you have security, but you're the most vulnerable ones of all!  You let him into your head.  He can take you out whenever he wants.  You're like sick toys to him...We all are.  But I do my best to lend my strength, to those who can't stand on their own."  I jabbed a finger towards him.  "You all erode your own people for release.  That's what I can't forgive."

Apparently unimpressed by my spiel, all he did was shake his head. "You're blind to that which is around you, not that I'm particularly surprised. I don't blame you, Mr. Reynolds.  After all, proxies don't have the best reputation for being sane, and yet I'm sure that there's a few that come to mind that have been commended by the service, yet have Him no more in their mind then you do.  It's a selfless choice -to be recruited if only to protect others- and yet it is one that is made time and time again." The light in his eyes seemed to glow even brighter. " That is because more people live that way.  More people can be saved.  Being on the other side, your side, is to leave your fate in the hands of others. To be on the other side is to take it into your hands once again. Resources, time, and above all else, a chance to utilize both of these things instead of being continually hunted; it's not a shortcut, but rather a logical step."

I was quiet then, for a little while.  Ran what he was saying through my head.  He'd nailed a lot of things about me- I hate the idea that all I can do is run.  I want to fight.  I want to save every single person, even though I know that's impossible.  I didn't want to hurt anyone again.  Not after I'd seen what I could become through that.  Was this a way to save people without fighting?  To give up a few to save many?  Utilitarianism, that's what it's called.  Learned that back in Middlesex CC, Ethics.  Never thought I'd be reminded of that class ever again...

I strained my head thinking.  Was there another way?  Before long, though, I had my answer.  Glancing up, I saw the grin on his face had widened to a disturbing length.

I growled, began to unsheathe the sword.

He actually looked SURPRISED, and let out a kind of shocked laughter.  "Really, Reynolds? Not only are you going to turn me down, but also dig yourself an even deeper hole than you were in before?"

I was done with jibes.  I glared right into his stupid eyes.  "If I did this...if I joined you, I would be betraying everyone I called a friend.  Even if you talk about relative losses, and resources, it's too much.  Even a single life sacrified is one life too many."  The last two words came out stronger than I expected.  Like I had more conviction than I thought.

Again, he wasn't impressed.  "Whatever side you're on, you're going to have to kill.  It's an inevitability.  You can build your own power, then protect those below you, instead of fighting a never-ending, losing battle.  You will DIE, Reynolds, and there will be not one person left to mourn you. Is that the sort of world you want?"

This time my response came back right away.  "Whatever kind of world comes my way, it's won't be the one you people inhabit.  We aren't mice.  Every last person in this world has the potential to be someone great.  I won't deal with you.  Not only do you kill, you torture, maim...Anything to get your way.  Sometimes, things ARE black and white.  You're the bad guys.  I'm the...decent guy."  A bit peeved at this awkward end, I flourished the sword.  "Enough talk.  Put ya guns on."

"I'm not going to fight you." He began to walk away, waving lazily over his shoulder. "I want you to remember that I chose to give you a chance, Mr. Reynolds. It's hardly my fault you threw it away."

Now that I was committed to getting at him, I wasn't just going to let him walk away.  I started after him, at which point he stopped and turned slightly.

"Now, I wonder... will you fight for your beliefs to be realized, or will you die by them?"

And at the head of the alleyway, lights shone through.  Three pairs of glowing, amber eyes.  They stepped forward, into the light.  One belonged to the guy we'd just saw.  One had an expressionless look, the others seemed to be terrified.  They stumbled forward as if their own bodies were alien to them.

"Do try to survive, Mr. Reynolds. At the very least, you'll make an interesting opponent."

Innocent people, he'd Hallowed them...destroyed who they were, for what?  To teach me a lesson?  I called out angrily at the retreating man in red.  "Is this what I have to look forward to being?  A coward who hides behind dead souls?  Pass."

 His voice had become brusque, condescending.  "There are no cowards in this game, Konaa; there is only the powerful and the weak, the helpless and the players. I gave you the opportunity to be on the side holding the right cards, but it seems that you'd rather die the death of a foolish martyr."  He sighed, and his lackies moved closer.  "Give me a good show. Perhaps you'll prove useful yet."

I lost my nerve.  I had resolved to fight, after the bastard had mocked everything we were standing for.  But...I couldn't fight these guys.  They were just pawns, they didn't do anything wrong.  The only thing they were guilty of was having awful luck.

I didn't trust myself to fight them without hurting them bad.   I felt my hands shaking, sweat on my brow.  I couldn't.  All that talk, and he just had to hide behind brainwashed teenagers for me to lose it.  I turned, ran.  They shambled after me.  Stupidly, without really knowing what I was doing, I rounded a corner and ran smack into a dead end.  They cornered me.  I was frozen in spot.  Part of me was screaming to cut my way out, but my arms felt like they'd turned to stone.  Slowly, hesitantly, I backed up against the wall.

And then there were a few swift, sharp noises.  Whirring.  Three knives, one embedded in each of the kids.  Dead before they hit the ground.  I slid down the wall to the ground, hugging my knees.  And Rise stepped out of the shadows, silently appraising me, before shaking her head slightly and removing the knives from the bodies.

I don't know what to say.  I need to think, but nothing's coming.

think I need to be alone for a while